Thank you so much for coming over tonight to chat with me regarding my failure to maintain my yard to your exacting standards. Yes, I am extremely aware that you spend somewhere around 46,752 hours a week keeping your yard perfectly manicured, and that compared to yours, mine looks a bastard step-child.
Regarding your inquiry as to what my plans were for my yard this year (which obviously, as my neighbor, you have a God-given right to know), they will be pretty much the same as last year: attempting to improve the hard-pack clay bed the poor lawn sits on, eradication of weeds, and keeping the grass alive.
Your complaint about that you’ve now “…lived next door to [me] for 8 years, and the yard hasn’t changed” isn’t quite valid. I actually have more crabgrass this year to get rid of than in previous years. Your apparent need to point out its current height means you did notice the difference this year, the same as we have. Since the crabgrass loves our poor soil, it has lived through three poisonings since last month. I am terribly sorry, neighbor, that this is not sufficient effort for you, and your demand to know the exact weed killers we have used was part of your ever-so-kind efforts to be helpful.
I will take into consideration your advice to mow and water and throw chemicals around my yard as you do. However, dear neighbor, it seems to me that you’re failing to realize that we live IN A DESERT. And also, dear neighbor, it seems that you might have possibly missed the notices in our neighborhood, right next to the drains, embedded in the concrete, that our runoff water empties directly into the waterways where fish and other aquatic wildlife live.
So therefore, my concerned neighbor, I will continue to water infrequently this summer, keep my grass high to withstand DESERT heat, and use as few chemicals on my lawn as possible. Do not be overly dismayed at my crispy lawn—it is not dead, only dormant. It will revive in the fall when the DESERT heat leaves. I think the local fish will appreciate a little more water, and a few less chemicals invading their homes.
And as far as your parting remark about the “clutter” in my yard, I will be sure to let my children know that their bikes and skateboards and wagons and scooters are a horrible eyesore in this community. Heaven forbid that those items should be seen in a yard that has a family with children.
Once again, thank you for the visit this evening. And regarding your own personal description of yourself as “anal” about yardwork, I can only wholeheartedly agree with you.
P.S. Would you happen to know where I could purchase some pink flamingo lawn ornaments?
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